Love Letter: Let’s Talk About Sex (9/14/22)

There is so much on my heart as I go through this journey of motherhood. Baby Madelynne is now 8 weeks old, and as I like to say, so am I. Some things are the same – like my values and the essence of who I am – and of course, many things are different. I am evolving in my work around relationships. I am clear that is my work to do in this world, and it’s expanding. 

My relationships are what have held me during this time. My family, my girlfriends, connecting with other moms and of course, my husband. 

If we are going to talk about romantic relationships, we are going to talk about sex! Whether you are dating or in a relationship, there is so much around sex – dating advice on when to have it, relationship advice on how frequent… blah blah blah. It makes your head spin, I’m sure. I want to bust a myth today around anyone who thinks they have to directly focus on their “sex life” and instead take a look at the things that impact it much more. 

Your midweek mantra is, I express myself fully in every area of my life, and I enjoy being powerful, sexy, confident, and free to be me.

For the past two weeks on The New Truth podcast, Kate has interviewed a holistic sex coach on navigating sex in dating. 

We have all kinds of fantasies and unrealistic expectations placed on the partnership, including unrealistic expectations about sex. 

I can guarantee that if you’re struggling to tell the truth in your relationship, your sex life is suffering. 

If you struggle to laugh, relax, and rest, your sex life is probably struggling. 

If you are stressed, overworked, and have little joy in your life, your sex life is probably struggling.

Most of all, if you struggle to ask for what you need, think your partner should read your mind, or have gendered expectations on initiation of sex, your sex life is probably struggling. 

What I just described is an area I work on with my clients and couples, and there can be a lot to unpack.

It’s also a lot to unpack around attachment. Anxiously attached individuals tend to have “soothing” sex – they are using sex to manage their anxiety, not necessarily for authentic connection. Avoidantly attached individuals can have what’s called “sealed-off” sex – they can have sex without needing any emotional connection at all. 

It takes a lot of courage to throw away old narratives and decide what’s true for you. It takes a lot of courage to navigate sex conversations when you’re dating AND even if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. 

Being afraid to TALK about sex, talk about what you like and desire, and talk about what turns you on and turns you off is a surefire way to feel empty sexually in your relationship. Also, a surefire way to end up with the wrong partner. 

You MUST talk to your partner about your desires, feelings, needs, and preferences, throwing away what you think a relationship “should” be or what your sex life “should” be like. It’s something you discover together. 

You must recognize that sometimes you don’t have to take your “sex life” on and instead take a look at your LIFE and whether or not there is space for pleasure, joy, connection, and adventure. 

Recently on the podcast, Kate talked about reclaiming your sexuality whether you’re in a partnership or not, and I hope you’ll check it out. 

Check out The New Truth podcast episode from this week, where Kate and Dave Weale share the truth about “What High-Quality Men Want in Relationships.” This week, Kate has a conversation with an amazing men’s coach Dave Weale about high-quality men in dating and relationships. They explore what a high-quality man is, where to meet them and what they’re looking for in partnership with women. This episode gives you a peek into understanding men and their wounds more deeply – to give women a deeper perspective to understand when out there navigating the dating world. 

I love you,