Love Letter: The Surefire Way to NEVER Get Your Needs Met (5/18/22)

There is so much to unpack about romantic relationships all of the time. It’s not just the fairytale that so many of us have to work hard to let go of, we also have work to do around letting go of false narratives about relationships, ourselves, needs, conflict, and expectations. 

Have you ever worried about “being needy” in a relationship? 

Are you a woman who thinks, “I can do it all myself,” rarely asking for help? 

Sometimes I’m worried that our culture (and personal development) takes us further and further away from being human so today I want to remind you that you are human, you have needs and those needs don’t make you “needy.” 

Your midweek mantra is, “I am allowed to have needs and I am allowed to advocate for myself to have them met.”✨

Everyone always says communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and yes, of course, communication matters, but what KIND of communication? 

Do you know how to…

1️. be assertive, vulnerable, and empathetic? 

2. state clearly what you need and how your partner can help support you? 

3. honor your partner’s NO as well as your own? 

There are many reasons people are afraid of asking for what they need – they might have a story they aren’t allowed to have needs,  they have judgment on their needs, or they are afraid of being “needy.” Sometimes it’s simply being afraid the answer is “no” so they never ask. 

It is vulnerable to make requests in a relationship, and it’s incredibly necessary. 

It’s also incredibly necessary to acknowledge that sometimes the answer WILL be no, but it doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you or care about you. 

We do have to do the work around our needs – grieving the ones that weren’t met in childhood and learning what is healthy and appropriate as an adult in a relationship. 

I get that this can be funky territory because many people ARE re-enacting childhood wounding trying to get ALL of their needs met by one person. That’s the first issue, asking ONE PERSON to be your source for it all. 

We are designed to be connected to others. Secure attachment is the goal and not just with ONE person but with many people in our lives. 

Secure attachment looks like… 

*having healthy self-esteem 

*being able to reach out to others for support 

*sharing your feelings with good friends and/or a partner

*trusting others and trusting life

I always say, “it takes a village,” and may we all have the power to heal our shame around our needs or our doubt that they deserve to be met and have the courage to assert ourselves in our lives. May we all have the courage to learn the skills to receive and make requests and believe in the power of healthy relating. 

We have to take responsibility for our part in the unfolding of our lives, and we have to be willing to ask even if the answer is no because sometimes it’s YES. 

Check out The New Truth podcast episode from this week, “How to Rock Being Single During Wedding Season.” We highlight the dysfunction of the wedding industry and how it perpetuates women feeling shame about being single. Listen to hear how to actually enjoy yourself and how to ditch feelings of jealousy and comparison. 

I love you,