Happy Friday 🙂
This topic is really important to me and YOU are really important to me, and it’s really important to me that people have healthy relationships, so here we go!!
How to KNOW you are emotionally safe with someone.
You can’t have a healthy relationship without emotional safety, period.
You are not asking too much for this.
You are asking for the bare essentials of Love with this.
If you are someone who was emotionally neglected as a child, you might not know what to look for in a healthy partner because your feelings weren’t validated as a child, how would you know what it looks like when someone validates your feelings as an adult? That’s why I am writing this. I’m also writing this because in a world that seems to make the meaningless meaningful with regards to relationship (we care about looks, money, great sex) before presence, compassion, emotional availability, I want to shine a light that THIS is one of the keys that will make love last. Also, turns out emotional availability is SEXY and emotional intimacy actually creates great sex. Just saying…. next time you think great sex can only happen with someone who is unavailable to you.
When you choose a partner, you’re making one of the most important decisions of your life and one of the most important decisions for your health.
We all need Love to survive. We ALL need to know that someone is there for us, available to us, and will respond to us. You are NOT asking for too much!
What does emotional safety look like?
1. You are only emotionally safe with someone who is available to you.
They are available and accessible. No one is playing games, you’re not chasing them, they aren’t in a relationship with someone else. They pay attention to you when you’re talking, they turn towards you when you’re out together, you can feel their presence in your life. Presence is such a gift and it’s calming for our nervous system. When dating, pay attention to whether or not someone is making eye contact with you, makes time for you, calls you when they say they will, and makes it known to you that they are thinking of you.
There’s totally a REASON the “good morning” texts make a difference, a REASON when someone remembers something you said it makes a difference – our body registers that as “you were listening”, you are with me.
2. You are only emotionally safe with someone when they are able to respond to you during both good times and bad times.
Are you starting to see that this takes time to develop? This is why we move slowly with the love journey. Lots of people can look like they are available in the first few weeks versus months. When you share good news and bad news, they are there for you. They respond to you in a kind, respectful, and supportive manner. Without criticism, blame or defensiveness. Our romantic relationship is meant to feel like a safe place for us and if it doesn’t, it is a big freaken deal. For all of our relationships in our lives, take a look at who is really there for you, in good times and bad times, with kindness, respect and compassion.
Now, response is a sign of emotional safety, but you can start to see what is required of you – vulnerability.
The Catch – 22 here is that you can only know if you are emotionally safe with someone when you actually take the risk to share yourself.
You have to actually reveal who you are to know if you are emotionally safe with someone. Certainly, not all at once! But taking those little risks in the beginning is a way to see how someone is with you. Your relationship will only go stronger the more willing you are to share yourself. The health of a romantic relationship will depend on your continuous ability to tell the truth. To share your feelings, needs, fears, desires and dreams in your relationship. You must always be willing to rock the boat.
3. You are emotionally safe in a relationship when your partner is engaged with you.
The right person for you will make it very clear that they want you. They make it clear they want to be around you, are inspired by you, are attracted to you, want to be a part of your life and want to make you happy.
No games are played, no mixed signals, no trying to “get” them to pay attention to you.
This acronym – A.R.E. You There For Me? (Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement) is from Dr. Sue Johnson who founded Emotionally Focused Therapy. This is the question we are all always asking to people in our lives and especially to our partner.
If you didn’t have this kind of Love when you were a child, it is going to be unfamiliar to you. Maybe you had to fight for attention, maybe you weren’t given messages that you were valuable and enough, maybe your parents weren’t available to you so it’s familiar to you to choose unavailable people. If you find yourself repeating patterns of getting involved with unavailable people or don’t know how to call in someone who is available to you, this is where I come in.
We actually do have to go through a process of learning, especially because you’re learning something BRAND NEW.
The fairytale of romantic love will tell you that all you have to do is keep dating and then hope for the best. Rather than take a look at what is happening unconsciously in you (your brain is looking for what’s FAMILIAR from childhood) which will have you continuously repeating patterns.
There is hope.
There is a new way.
Love is possible for you – the real thing. A love that lasts longer than a couple months too.
I’d love to help you and I have space for 2 new 1:1 clients before the end of the year.
Send me an email and then I’ll send you times for us to talk. We’ll go on a date 🙂 see if we’re a good match and I have what you’re looking for and needing.