Dating multiple people is a surefire way to stay centered while dating and ensure that you make the best choice for you when it’s time to commit. I work with a lot of women who tend to become exclusive way too soon, sooner than they are truly able to see whether or not someone is capable of meeting their needs, shares their vision and can consistently show up for them. I also know that the women that attach too soon ALSO struggle with dating multiple people. I’m finding a lot of women have a hard time with this and are expressing that it’s hard and I want to tell you why. I not only want to tell you why it may be hard for you, but give you the steps on HOW to do this and do it well.
Shall I address some common assumptions when it comes to dating multiple people?
- You’re not “juggling” men when you do this
- You don’t need to go on 7 dates a week (or go out with hundreds of people!)
- You’re not sleeping with multiple people
- You’re not making anyone jealous (and if someone is worried about you dating other people after just a couple dates and he wants to be exclusive with you, red flag!)
Often the initial reaction to dating multiple people stems from the idea that dating is something that is happening “to” you versus something YOU are an active participant in. YOU get to set the pace, YOU get to decide how many dates a week you’d like to go on, YOU are making choices. This is the Love revolution for women. No longer waiting to be chosen, but stepping into being the chooser TOO.
When we attach too soon, we’re not in our power of choice. We are swept – swept by good feelings, by great chemistry, by the idea that “all the work is over and I don’t have to deal with dating” which right away takes us into a disempowered position. I gave up my power in the name of the “easier” and “faster” path, rather than saying “Is this person good for me?”
Now, there is SO MUCH that gets in the way of us finding love and that’s what my work is about – clearing the way. Empowering you to have choice. We’ve been taught 100’s of disempowering messages around love and we have to unpack them one by one.
The truth is, your childhood sets you up for how you’ll behave in Love.
There are a LOT of things to learn and navigate in a romantic partnership. I believe the most important thing is learning how to know the difference between making choices from your wounded inner girl self and making choices from your empowered adult self.
This could be a brand new concept for you, knowing at all that there is a little girl inside of you making decisions for you. The good news is this isn’t just true for some of us, this is true for ALL of us. ALL of us have an inner child. MOST of the issues in romantic partnership stem from THIS. From a child trying to have an adult relationship.
The resistance you’re feeling around dating multiple people?
It’s the little girl inside who just wants the void to be filled, wants love to just “get here already”, wants the instant, intense connection and doesn’t want to put forth any effort on her own.
See what’s happening?
I’m not putting forth effort into seeing if this person is good for me and I’m not waiting to see if he’s capable of putting forth any real effort into me.
We can’t vet our parents. It’s really too bad, isn’t it?
We can’t come out of the womb and say, “Are you capable of taking care of me? Are you able to meet my needs? Are you going to be there for me when I need you?” As little girls we aren’t able to say, “This isn’t working for me, this isn’t good for me, I need to leave.” She can’t.
Children don’t have options, adults do.
When we quickly attach to someone, when after only a few dates we don’t want to date other people, what we’ve actually done is made this person our parent. We haven’t actually said, “I’m going to see if this person is able to be there for me, able to care for me, available and wants what I want.” Partnership is about two people contributing to make something amazing. Parenting is not. Parenting IS one sided.
When you take your time, you stay in your power of choice. When you take your time, you stay in your centered adult consciousness. When you take your time, you actually allow yourself to answer the questions: “Is this person interested in intimacy and closeness? Does this person communicate effectively? Are they clear in their intentions? Are they capable of meeting my needs, and are they responsive to my needs?”
I get it. It’s uncomfortable.
In order to find love, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable. You’re impatient. I KNOW, I really know, how much you want to find your person. I want you to find them too!! I also know that you want the real thing. The real thing that will last forever. I help women who want the real thing. You want extraordinary love, not someone to just fill a space. Love that brings you joy, magic, infinite blessings in your life, all of the gifts that partnership promises us.
This is about YOU. Dating multiple people is about prioritizing yourself, putting yourself first, recognizing how worthy and deserving you are of someone that puts forth consistent effort for you. A dating principle is never to give exclusivity to someone without them asking for it, without them earning it. When we attach too soon, we’ve given our exclusivity to someone that may not want it! That may not be ready for it, that may not HONOR the gift that it is to receive you. Isn’t it worth it to wait for the moment when he really is ready? When he can say from his fullness and confidence “I want you and only you. Forever” and he knows what that means.
Even if you have crazy chemistry and everything seems really great, wait. Because you’re about to have the rest of your life to have sleepovers and trips together and waking up next to each other every day. So what’s the rush?
How we date is how we Love. Truly. This is the gift of dating. We can practice. We can practice sharing ourselves vulnerably, setting boundaries, communicating our needs, getting our needs met (by dating multiple people!), receiving another, believing in ourselves, being patient, practice being with disappointment and fear, and practicing love.
You get to choose which discomfort you want to be in. The discomfort of being clingy, desperate and needy as you early attach to someone you just started dating, or the discomfort of putting yourself out there, taking your time, getting to know several people, letting things unfold because you know that you’re going to have the rest of your life with someone so you’re not in a rush. You’d much rather date multiple people and take your time so you make a healthy choice rather than trust your wounded little girl to make the decision for you, yes?
It takes about 3 months to know someone’s true intentions.
3 months to see if someone’s words match their actions.
You don’t have to go on 100 dates. If you’re making time for this – going on dates, having phone calls with people, spending time reading profiles and responding to messages, it’s actually not going to take very long. You do not have to go out with people you don’t like or who you’re not attracted to.
You DO have to learn how to take your time. You do have to learn how insanely worthy and wonderful you are, and recognize that by going slowly you are ensuring you make the best choice for you. When you know your worth, you’ll wait for the one who meets you with equal effort and intention.
Ready to stop struggling in dating? Ready to learn a new way that has nothing to do with going on more apps or working HARDER at finding love? I can help you make it easier. I can help you easily date multiple people, easily wait, easily believe that great love is meant for you and that you’ll find it.